


Geralt's super secret diary. (Some foot notes from Jaskier)

by Tripawed



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, M/M, Protective Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Roach is So Done (The Witcher)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tripawed/pseuds/Tripawed
Summary: Geralt has feelings and like any good horse mad teenage girl in a hulking mutant body he writes about them in his diary until they can burst out at socially inappropriate times as burst of rage and or tears. Or bitching to Roach.This is that diary
Relationships: Eskel/Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg
Comments: 37
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea when I was up with my dog - she's fine, she just won't sleep and doesn't like to be alone. So I looked to see if someone funny and talented and cool had done it.  
> I couldn't find a version.  
> The idea still wouldn't leave so I wrote a pants version in the hopes that someone else will take pity on me and do it properly.  
> Until then.

Time: 11:36

Fighting a kikimora. Must look fantastic - moving like a dancer. Yup, coolest cat ever.

Time: 12.47

Killed a deer. Made a super clever quip, sadly no one around to hear it. Really must find a travel buddy who can appreciate my epic wit.

Time: 14.44

Made it to Blaviken. 

But all backwater and boring. Will have to leave soon as locals v.v unfriendly. Still nothing to worry about will just keep low profile until I leave and no one will ever remember I was here.

Time: 15.02

Made a friend. Am really very sociable despite what Eskel often says. What does he know anyway? When we were kids he once called Vesemir 'mum' by accident and Vesemir had a beard as long as a man's leg at the time.

Unless that's what his mother looked like?

Probably best to not ask.

Am going to ask.

Time: 15.05

Should be able to sell kikimora to a sorcerer and be on my way. Good day. New friend and made some coin. 

Time: 16.40

Fuck. Sorcerer is a mad old loon with a monster problem. Obviously can't read or write - Why not just write a contract like a normal person? Stupid cloak and dagger stuff.

Unless actual cloak and dagger. 

Might look really cool with a cloak. Must visit market later.

Time: 16.43

Fuck. Sorcerer does not like new friend... Fuck. 

Sorcerer still wittering on, and on and on. Thank the gods am immortal.

Actually, am I immortal? Can be killed obviously. 

But do I age? 

Vesmeir old as hills, but looks it too.

Will I end up as wrinkly as a testicle after a long bath? Scary thought.

Now trying to fight off thought of Vesemir as a testicle.

Possibly Vesemir has bad skin care routine?

Would it kill him to wear sunscreen? 

Or to moisturise?

Just giggled imagining Vesemir moisturising, had to turn it into a grunt half way through. Sounded more like a hum to be honest but it shut the socerer up for half a second. May use more regularly.

Old loon just admitted to cutting up dead girls - god's, cannot catch a break. 

Renfri evil? 

Huh? Says the man who lives in a tower and uses children to do his bidding.

So not getting involved in this. Not an idiot, despite what brothers say, time to leave before this gets out of hand. It's like Vesemir always used to say, 'this will all end in tears.' 

Not today. Good day. I can feel it.

Time: 18.19

Now involved. Fuck. 

Involved in a weird game of whispers.

One says one thing and the other another. Clear as mud, fuck.

Time: 20.21

Was having a friendly one to one with horse and was disturbed. 

Rude. 

Renfri is a bit hypocritical - it's odd when I reminisce to my horse but fine when she waxes lyrical to me? 

Why? 

Because I'm not a horse? 

Bullshit, Roach best confidant in the business.

Would never betray me.

Can't, obviously, but also wouldn't.

Unless sorcerer changed her into a human. 

She has so much dirt on me if that ever happened.

Must prevent at all costs.

Would never live it down.

Buy emergency supply of bribery carrots. Just in case. Like Vesemir always said be prepared.

That's why it was so unfair he spanked Eskel and me when we put that lizard on his face when he was sleeping.

He should have been prepared.

Also we were five and six so should have been supervised better.

Also Eskel was the older and clearly the ringleader. 

Spank him, not me.

Time: ?????

Quick power nap in forest. Was not a good idea. Now hearing voices. No matter, will tell Roach later. If she doesn't get upset then obviously nothing to worry about. 

Not like living alone and constantly being hated is bad for mental health. 

Or side effects from mutations.

No, no, if Roach says it's fine then am fine. 

Must go and talk to horse.

In a perfectly normal way, obviously.

Time: Probably tomorrow? Today?

Just been attacked. 

I mean this happens a lot but even so... Ouch. 

May have pulled muscle in arm. New friend possibly a lunatic.

Not a good day for me either.

Typical, clearly that deer quip brought the fates down on us, must stop talking to animals in case it brings about another cryptic event.

Except Roach, obviously, must talk to her for the sake of failing mental health.

That or take up a painting class or something.

Probably wouldn't be allowed to take painting class - no mutants and all that. Which is discrimination.

Should probably bring that up to someone. May be due some kind of back pay. 

Could buy Roach a present.

Okay, so back to business, just talk Renfri down and go about day.

Fuck.

Well, that was rough. 

Very traumatic. Thank all the gods it won't be held against me forever. 

Luckily, everyone will be able to understand my position. What was I supposed to do allow the child to die?

No, obviously made correct choice.

Ran it past Roach twice on way. She never corrected me either time. 

Time: 11.15

Fuck. Townsfolk seriously angry.

Called a butcher - words can hurt. Someone needs to tell them that. 

Not my name either. 

Geralt of Rivia isn't either but still...

Woman who threw rock needs to join some kind of team - great aim. Will bruise later.

Fuck.

  
  


Date: 1240

Time: 19.35

Idiot prancing around the tavern. Awful trousers. Nice ass.

No, just bad trousers, and bad singing. And bad everything.

Shit, he's coming over. Must act super casual.

Broody, that's cool isn't it? The cool broody loner.

Not 'cos have no friends.

Have loads of friends.

Am popular.

Roach, Eskel and...um..

'big old loner?'

Old?

Am not old. Am immortal... Possibly.

Still need to check up on that. But still, old. Me. Rude.

Kids today. They just have no respect.

Ah, fuck. Might be old.

Fuck.

Well, still got a job so now can leave this place.

Take my old self away. From people who call me 'old'.

Not old, cool broody loner. Edgy and sexy.

Stupid bard.

Offering me trouser bread. 

Who does that?

Unless flirting? 

Maybe that's how they do it these days?

No, that's stupid.

Am going to tell Eskel that's how to flirt these days though. Will tell him times have changed and you have to offer to show the ladies (or gentlemen) your trouser bread. Can picture his face in my head. 

Have to turn chuckle into the 'hum'. Thankfully it works as am so brooding and masculine.

Time: 20.02

Need a hand? Asks the bard. Yes, please, on my cock. 

No. 

Needs to go back to safe tavern and 'collect more trouser bread' or whatever it is the kids do these days.

20.04

'smell like heroics?'

Is he for real? 

Do I smell?

Well, no matter, many years of dealing with villagers has taught me how to handle this. 

Pick something bad enough that they will agree but not as bad as they would have said on their own.

Onion may not have been the best choice.

Bard looked bewildered actually.

Looked sort of cute on his face- no, no, stop. It's didn't, he looked a bit deranged actually.

Stupid bard.

20.05

Fuck. Knuckles smarting.

Have no feelings as Witcher.

Obviously.

None at all.

Not even one.

Good thing, though, if I did, would be pretty sad about that.

'butcher'

Fuck.

08:10

'image problem?' 

Me.

No, I have a human problem.

Right now, a bard problem.

If he touches Roach will give him a proper thrashing.

Spanking.

Right across that pert little -

No. No. Bad.

Bad bard who says mean things.

Must remember.

And not let him touch Roach.

Best horse. Not for the bard.

She might like him more than me. Except nope. She won't. My horse. I feed her and brush her and talk to her. She loves me best.

Certain of it.

Certain.

08.15

If he steals the love of my horse, will have to kill him.

08.20

Won't want to but only reasonable solution.

08.21

Because Roach is _my_ best friend. Not his.

08.35.

Bard is human. Probably has loads of friends. Loads. Hundreds. Drowning in friends.

08.45 

Some of us only have one or two.

08.47

I have more than two.

08.50

Just... Can't quite remember all right now. But more than two.

Definitely.

08.57

Bard still following me. Fuck.

Trying to explain there is no such thing as devils.

When did I become a nurse maid?

9.02

Ok, to be fair, does look pretty devily.

9.03

Ok, ow, someone was never taught not to throw things, rude little thing too.

Tempted to give it a kick.

9.04

Kicked it after it fired on the bard. Only reasonable really.

Not that I like the bard.

Just had to be done.

Probably in one of those things Vesemir kept going on and on and on about.

Pretty sure.

Nearly certain, in fact.

09.20 

It talks. Got really cross when I mentioned his mother.

But seriously, pretty sure she did fuck a goat.

I mean, what other explanation is there?

09.21

'rare and intelligent?'

I'll believe it when I see it.

09.22

Admittedly my comeback was not up to usual strength. Why is it that now have travel buddy cannot find wit?

Will ask Roach later.

09.23 

Hair pulling isn't nice. Except in the bedroom. Nearly said it just to see if bard would take an interest. Didn't as pretty sure goaty is giving me the eye.

Not that I can blame him, am very pretty. With really nice hair. All the ladies look so envious about it, except when full of monster guts. Which is... More often than I'd ideally like.

Hmmm, Will have to put about that it's a hair treatment. For the sake of my image.

Not that I care.

Wonder if the bard likes my hair.

09.24 

Yup, the son of the goat fucker is 

  1. Bad at insults - just copied mine.
  2. Obviously into me... Will have to let him down gently.



Later:????

Fuck. Kidnapped by little goat thing.

Bloody knew he fancied me.

Welcome to my new life as a kept man.

This is not how I imagined being taken as a sex slave.

The accommodation leaves a lot to be desired for starters. Would prefer more silks and velvets. 

Less moss.

Always imagined some particularly rich woman would want me for that.

One with a cracking pair of norks.

And a nice stable for Roach. 

Couldn't be abducted without her.

Hope Eskel doesn't have to rescue me from the goat fuckers son.

Will never live it down.

Although... If Lambert has to rescue me.

Later still:

Or...oh.. fuck. If Vesemir does.

Shit, can imagine his face is he finds out I've been servicing a goat. It'll be worse that the time I was... Petting myself while looking at that carrot.

Weirdly sexy carrot.

Was a teenager at the time.

In a castle.

A million miles from anywhere.

Cannot be blamed really.

Even more later:

Am tied to the bard.

Must not think about it though.

Cannot have enemies arrive to kill us while I'm sitting here sporting a hard on.

Would the perv of Rivia be any worse than the 'butcher?'

Later still:

Wouldn't want to encourage goaty either.

  * 1 minute



Oh, good, the bard is awake.

  * 30 seconds



He's talking.

Less good.

  * Ten seconds



He's an idiot. 

Pretty but dumb as a rock.

Dumber maybe.

Wish I had a rock to hit these fuckers with.

  * 40 seconds



Now tied to heartbroken bard. Feel v.v. sorry for him. Lute must have been like a wooden Roach.

Elves wittering on and on about humans. Like I don't know what they're like. 

They don't exactly like me either, pal.

And I don't break people's wooden Roachs to make a point. Would be really, really rude. It's not how you make friends.

I know this on account of all the lovely friends I have made.

Am the 'Butcher of Blaviken' not the 'Rude man of Redenia 

Have standards. 

Know about the cleansing elf.

Seriously, why does he think there are so few of us now? What did we just run out of mutagens?

Haven't had a holiday since. I remember the cleansing. 

Not enough witchers to cover everywhere now. That's how goaty got his chance. Although he still doesn't have one with me.

But if they leave us in this hole much longer even he might start to look ok.

Probably not though. Elves might be a bit dreary and the ears are weird but easy enough on eyes.

Better than goat man.

Not as nice as the bard.

Some time:??? Seriously need to find some kind of timepiece to keep track what with all the unconsciousness I seem to do.

Ha! Goaty is standing up for me. I knew he liked me.

Feel a bit warmer towards him too.

Could probably let him give me a handy if he really wants to.

Would prefer the bard.

Bet those musician fingers are good. Hmmm.

Wait, shit. Great.

Now, I'm gonna have to think about Vesemir in the bath again. A witcher's life is full of woe.

Should have been our moto.

Wonder if the bard would like my little poem?

Freedom!

I do not sound like that. For a musician the bard is not very talented at mimicry. 

  * 10 seconds



Give away my coin? Is he mad? He got a new lute, what did I get?

  * 20 seconds



Definitely mad. All the cute ones are. Mad as a fish riding a horse.

Called his new lute 'sexy' is that what he's into? Wonder if I could grow beard long enough to plait into pubes? Could offer to let him strum across my belly like it's a backwater banjo. 

Wonder if that's the kind of thing that only sounds appealing to someone who has just been held captive?

Will ask Roach.

  * 30



Ok, so he can show some signs of self awareness. Which is a relief. That song truly was shit. Was going to have to beseech him never to play it again. Would obviously have to offer him whatever he wanted to not play it again. And if he had asked to... Well, I'd have had to wouldn't I? 

Only right. Man of my word. Helps with my image to be trustworthy, see.

For the good of humanity and all that. Not cos am thirsty at the moment. 

Not suffering a dry spell at all.

Given how long the dry spell is I must be enjoying it or surely would have broken it by now.

As am good looking.

Probably, wonder if the bard thinks I'm good looking?

Must do, he has eyes.

Will have to brood a bit more sexily.

Wait, wait no. Good idea. Best idea. He just told me how good my reverse psychology was.

Will reverse psychology him again.

Will tell him to leave.

And he will do the opposite.

And will come closer.

Ha, 'come closer'.

Hope so.

Foolproof idea.

21:33

Hmmm.... Fuck.

Ok, so. No touching.

That's fine though. What I wanted actually.

New song is better than the last one. Factually incorrect.

Complete bullshit actually.

Not sure how it'll improve my public image to tell everyone I killed more people. Didn't even kill anyone at all this time.

Humans.

Song quite catchy though.


	2. Chapter 2

19.56

In bed with whore. Had to pay her extra to let me call her Jaskier.

She was giving me a look.

The look. 

Don't like it... Any minute she is going to start talking.

Fuck.

Oh, now, she's singing. Didn't pay for that. Better not be on bill.

Her hands are pretty cold and she keeps poking scars - seriously, whatever happened to customer service.

Now she wants to talk about Jaskier.

Why does she think I'm here. Should tell her to stop.

But she will want to know why.

But what is she going to do? Who is she going to tell? 

Still though.

Stopped listening while debating asking her to not talk about Jaskier, apparently missed something important. 

Got a hell of a glare on her this one.

Actually feel a bit scared.

Though obviously would win in fight - although... She does look like she'd fight dirty. 

Certainly didn't fuck dirty - not even given all the coin.

20.34

Bloody innkeeper.

Have to do best 'scary witcher' impression to get him to keep Roach while go to get arse bitten off by monsters. What he doesn't know is that it isn't based on any witchers. Now the grumpy fuck you glare is half the glare the chickens at the keep give you when you try to take eggs and half this old guy who used to sell odds and ends in the first town out of Kaer Moren, We used to steal stuff from him all the time as kids. Then he caught us and took us all back to Vesemir. Arse glowed red that night after Vesemir finished hitting me with a shoe. Glad I went first though, by the time he got to Eskel he'd broken the shoe and was using a ladle. Eskel still afraid of soup.

Sometimes chase him round the castle with one.

Must buy one and hide it in his pack this winter. He'll see the funny side.

Well. No, he won't. 

But it will be funny.

Should buy two ladles. One for his pack and roll the other up in his bed roll.

Thank all the gods Jaskier is off... Doing whatever it he does when not with me. 

Where he should be.

Won't stop him... It's just... Disappointing. 

He should want to stay. 

Roach misses him.

Not like she misses me. No, obviously, not. But still he is being rude making her feet like this.

He's lucky she likes him or I'd have to hate him for making her worry. 

My poor girl.

Give her a loving pat and glare at the innkeep again. She had better be in tiptop shape when I get back.

One last quick hug and then I'm off.

Ok, just one more.

6.12

Early.

Birds making racket.

Bloody birds.

No Roach for company.

No bard to... Look at.

Tight trousers. I shrink them when he's not looking. 

One day a pair is going to split and am going to be there to see it.

What a great and glorious day that will be.

Unlike today.

Feet hurt.

No wonder Jaskier moans.

Wish he would moan properly - no, no, no. Feet already sore and muscles need all my blood cannot spare any for stupid cock.

Wonder if the bard would like my - no.

Must not think.

Must concentrate. 

Bit worried actually hope that the missing witcher isn't one of my brother's. 

Nah, can't be.

Too Wiley. Too good. 

Nope, everyone I like is fine.

Obviously.

Still though.

Quite 'feelings' aware right now. Don't know what to do about it though. 

Kick a big rock to feel better. 

Good idea as it slips nicely across the road and into the ditch.

Kick another. 

This is quite good fun.

Fuck.

Last rock way too deep. Have almost certainly made toes into pate.

Now very toes aware.

15.30

Still walking. 

17.42

Walking forever.

Probably will die on this road.

No wonder Jaskier whinges.

Really want to whinge myself. 

All by self.

Really need more friends.

21.22

Underground. Why do they have to be underground?

I mean, yes, ok, miners. But still. Underground? 

That's where worms and stuff are.

'Feelings' aware again.

Will save them up to tell Roach. She will be sympathetic to me.

Not like these idiot humans who bury themselves alive.

Underground... I ask you.

23.35

A dwarf, a human and a Witcher walk into a mine. 

It's like the beginning of a joke.

Sadly for me, life is one unending joke and am the butt of it.

23.36 

As predicted still the butt of the joke. Am somehow in league with traitors.

Only just got here.

This isn't even fair.

'great plan.' I tell them, heavy on the sarcasm hold the bullshit.

Dwarf looks at me for a moment clearly trying to work out if I'm being serious.

May kick him instead of the damn rock.

Swindler... Me? Never swindled anyone. Don't need to. 

Bring a really pretty bard who can haggle like someone's granny. Seriously, it's like a competitive sport and Jaskier wants to be continental champion. I've seen traders looking at me for help.

Pretty funny, always pretend I can't see them.

Unless, is it swindling to bring the best haggler with you? Then you don't have to haggle? 

Fuck.

Wish Jaskier were here now. Stupidly agreed to stupid terms.

Well, agreed. Proposed stupid terms.

Maybe all those concussions are having a bad effect.

Maybe.

Maybe need some kind of protective hat.

Bit stupid to wear armour over chest but leave everything else vulnerable.

Including all the favourite bits.

Hmmm, Jaskier always so keen to help when injured.

Maybe should tell him have hurt myself... There? Perhaps he'll help?

I wonder if 'kiss it better' works when you're an adult. And like 100 years old.

Hmmmm. 

23.37

Asked what I would do if could win.

Judging by the looks in their faces die wasn't the answer they were expecting. But really what did they think?

I'd take the monster out dancing? We both shake hands and agree never to mention it again.

Idiots.

04.52

Possibly kidnapped.

Am being escorted... By armed guards.

Gratitude for you.

04.55

Everyone just fell over.

Fuck. 

Unless? Nap time?

No... Probably not.

Wish it was nap time.

Would love a little lie down. Especially if Jaskier would lie next to me.. or under me... Over even on me. 

Am a flexible man can deal with change.

Can handle a lot.

Right, task at hand. Sorceress. 

Ok, except. It's really not.

Why, who..?

Seriously, people need to start communicating? Maybe we need like a log? Like they have at famous places where you can sign to say you went....

We could all sign to say where we are and more importantly who the fuck we are.

04.58

Triss Merigold.

That is not a real name. 

I should know as also do not have real name. 

Still have normal sounding name.

Vesmeir, Lambert and Eskel. They all sound like the kind of watery ale that Jaskier likes.

And Jaskier isn't a real name either.

Huh, it seems like I attract a certain type.

Plan is getting super convoluted now.

Am confused as to who I am working for.

Am technically self employed.

Still confused though.

06.32

Ensconsed in witches lair. 

Needs a good tidy up.

Haven't been offered breakfast.

Stomach making noises like a rust door closing. V.v embarrassing.

Witch pretending not to hear.

Guess this contract doesn't come with a meal plan.

Cheap witches.

7.01

Established it's not a vukodlak.

Good.

Right... Witch doesn't want to tell me what it is though.

Starts leading me through the castle and through the vaults.

Lovely.

Seriously, when did dusting go out of fashion.

Really dingy.

Your castle is only as clean as the dirtiest room, Vesemir used to tell us that.

He still does but he used to too.

And let me tell you, this castle is a shot heap.

7.03

It's like she stopped talking until we were insight of the corpse just for the dramatic effect. 

No notion of how traumatic that would have been if I had known that guy.

Well, known him if he'd been anyone other than Lambert.

God's, she's just standing there all expectant. 

Going to have to either admit... Completely lost or poke the corpse.

7.05

So I poked the corpse.

Missing heart and liver.

Interesting... Probably.

What eats both but leaves the meat?

Oh,

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck.

A princess striga.

Look up in case she's also mentally sniggering over the image of one of those ugly fuckers in a tiara and a fancy gown

Clearly not. Have to hastily rearrange features into worried frown.

Will tell Roach about it later.

She'll laugh. 

She gets me like that.

Why she's the best.

Better than the witch.

Who still hasn't offered me an ale even though it's in the song.

I mean, honestly, Jaskier yells it at literally everyone and everything. He once got so drunk I put my armour on its stand and just stood him in front of it so I could have a bath and get into bed before he stole all the covers.

He sang to his 'adoring public' for about two hours.

Had to go and get him in the end. 

Couldn't sleep.

Because, because of the noise naturally. Didn't miss him. At all. Not even when he's all warm and soft and breathing all slow and trusting. Nope. 

Just wanted quiet.

14.06

Whoever made this meal is a saint. Needs to be honoured.

I love them.

May go and propose.

No dust in dining room either. Could introduce them to Vesemir. They could talk about dusters and stuff together. 

It'll probably be all cute and wholesome.

Not as good as this dinner though.

Right, the monster. Right.

Try to look like I'm paying attention. Inwardly, am thinking about where else in Eskel's things I could hide a ladle.

Force face to retain stoney faced glare.

14.13

The captain is clearly annoyed.

What crawled up his butt and died?

The lord is no better.

Alright, this is going nowhere with these two in charge. 

Time for a change of direction.

14.15

They both turn the most delightful shade of grey-green when I explain how the monster came to be.

Buts it's the king who knows most. 

I can smell the terror on him.

Interesting.

  1. 37 



Confident that the King and I will not be exchanging gifts come yuletide.

Shame, until I accused him of incest I think we were rather getting on.

Oh, well.

14.39

Barred.

From this dump.

Normally being barred is a bad thing. But from a monster infested badly dusted castle? I guess he got me a present after all.

Seems only fitting I should do something nice back?

15.45

Threw a rock near the guards and watched them go scattering like frightens birds. 

The witch looked super impressed with my problem solving skills.

Not surprisingly as am a very capable and talented person.

Even if no one else will admit to it.

15.56

New castle even dingier than the other one. God's, does nobody dust anymore?

Triss is babbling on about the invest pair. Like if she keeps talking it'll be less... Gross and the humans give me a hard time for being unnatural.

I mean his sister... Be like shagging, fuck, I don't know, Lambert or someone. Would rather put twigs under toenails and kick a wall. 

Never really though of Lambert a person who has sex before, it was a rosy less traumatic time before I did.

Farewell mental health, I shall mourn your passing.

16.02

Wow, who place smells crustier than a teenage boys socks.

Who comes to the bedroom of a dead princess to jack off?

Who is that hard up?

Great, am gonna have to start sniff out answers.

Literally.

Ew, bedclothes stink.

Whole place stinks.

Ostrit, though. Hmmm, who's been a naughty boy then.

Triss is going through the dead girls jewellery box and reading her letters.

Must hide diary very carefully.

17.21

Back at the lab.

All this back and forth, legs are super tired.

Still will have buns of steel.

Not that anyone will notice.

Do have v.v. nice butt though.

Wonder if I can casually bring it up to Jaskier?

Maybe should start knocking things onto the floor and picking them up?

Oh, both Triss and Lord Creepy-Creeper are staring at me. May have zoned out.

No matter will delicately enquire as to the precise nature of his relationship with the dead princess.

Lord CC looks like he might be having a heart attack.

His face is an interesting shade of purple.

When I tell him his stink was all over her bed linen he is going to freak.

17.25

He's freaking out.

Felt good to punch him but hand is a tenny, tiny bit hurty now.

Look at Triss in case of sympathy. 

None.

Need to start bottling Jaskier's so have some in case of emergency.

23.41

Striding around with a sword. Look super noble.

Everyone looking at me.

Probably composing songs dedicated to me too.

Oh, the king. Perhaps they were looking at him instead.

He's actually talking to me about how he banged his sister.

Am officially the mayor of awkward town.

23.45

Thank all the gods he's gone.

Ok, off to kidnap Lord Creepy.

23.57

Seriously?

He's going with the 'I didn't know it was a curse defense?'

Idiot.

Oh for god's sake. 

Until the rooster crows?

Can we get a rooster?

Maybe if he crows now?

You know sometimes magic is really quite loopholey.

Nope? 

Looks like I'm going to have to fight a striga.

Fuck.

Wanted an early night.

23.58

Great, will have to fight striga with the taste of serious gross potion in mouth.

12.04

Okay, Creepy died at the hands of the Striga.

Ok, well I'll just chain her up and then go find a rooster.

Easy.

00.05

Fuck.

00.21

Floor really wobbly.

Hope this won't -

Fuck.

Later:??? 

Don't know, head injury.

Super dark still though.

Urgh, headache 

Later:

Found the Striga.

She's still asleep.

Still creepy.

No more options - well, fine. No, that's cool. I like a challenge.

I really don't.

I hate challenges.

I want an easy time.

Later:

Okay, locking the door on the Striga.

Sensible.

Wish someone was around to see how well I can do when I have a concussion.

Eskel always used to run in my face how bad I was at signs and magic.

Well, look at me now.

Later:

Fuck.

Seriously, fuck sake. In the ceiling.

Not cool.

Later:

Getting beaten up by a striga.

Close enough to a spider that feel very 'feelings' aware right now.

I am afraid of spiders.

Just don't really  _ like _ them.

But still, no, this is fine.

Later:

Magic held. 

Need to get everyone to high five me later.

Or something.

Punching Striga with silver. Must look very cool.

Sadly this is overshadowed by the way that the silver dogs into hands. Have almost certainly broken fingers.

Fucking ow.

Later: 

Sealed in tomb. Check

Broken fingers. Check.

Ruined armour. Check.

Must get new career.

Later:

Took brief power nap.

Feel must better.

Later:

Climbed out of tomb. 

Striga still looks a bit creepy as a human. Perhaps left over spideryness?

Later:

Almost wet myself when she attackef me. 

Thank all the god Vesemir was so adamant that everyone should go to the bathroom before going on a hunt.

Even if had just been, he would send us all straight back. 'just a few drops!'

Seriously though, good call or I'd have to go and collect pay in wet trousers.

Would look considerably less dashing in wet trousers.

Fairly certain of it.

Neck wound sore as well. 

This was not worth the pay.

Not at all.

Could be riding Roach towards nice village - one with a nice tavern. Could be about to get a hot dinner.

Instead neck wound.

And a reminder of why need to keep up with pelvic floor exercises.

Later:

Wake up.

Everything hurts.

Shut eyes and will everything to stop.

Stupid obstinate world doesn't listen.

Triss means into personal space and starts on about how well I'm healing. Hope she tells my nervous system because it hasn't realised.

Princess staying with the sisters. Good, excellent.

Ok, now, first get up second get paid. Third RETURN TO ROACH.

Triss this I want a heart to heart.

Do not want.

Want horse.

Maybe if I have a tantrum won't have to have conversation?

Nope, Triss sitting on the bed next to me. Shit.

Any conversation where they need to 'be nice' first is one that is going to suck.

Fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

18.06

Swallowed by Seilkiemore.

Another day, another coin.

Stab way out.

Look down. Am filthy.

Jaskier is going to be peeved.

Not that care obviously.

But... Would be nice if was less... Slimey.

Oh, well can't be helped.

Perhaps if I limp a bit he will help me bathe.

Am probably a genius.

Wonder why Vesemir never had me tested.

Hmmm. Probably because Eskel persuaded me that when people died we buried the bodies and that the reason head stones are called 'head stones' is because we buried the bodies standing up in the ground with their heads out.

Believed this for ages.

Which admittedly wasn't my finest moment.

Another reason to hide more ladles in his things.

Managed to hide one in his room when he left in the spring. Will be nice surprise for him when he gets back.

Unless Vesemir removes it.

Wonder if I can get a blacksmith to make a lamp made from ladles. Or armour.

Could give it to him as a winter 'glad you didn't die this year' gift.

19.04

Back at tavern.

Jaskier leads everyone in a rousing chorus of 'valley of plenty'.

He doesn't touch me.

Which is due to slime not because am inherently awful or anything.

No.

Just because am a bit grubby.

Still though... It is a bit.. I mean, I could have  _ died _ .

And not even a welcome back hug.

Or welcome back handjo-

Never mind. Will get a drink.

A nice soothing drink.

Nice, doesn't mean Jaskier doesn't like me because need a bit of a bath, drink.

19.07

Favour?

Sexy favour... Or?

Cornucopia of delights, sound v. Promising 

Fuck.

Urgh, well it's not what I want but as a consolation prize? It's fairly easy to be consoled face deep in a woman's tits.

19.45

Yes, score! Didn't even have to pretend to limp. Jaskier is washing hair for me.

Feels nice.

Love bath.

Love water.

Love Jask-

No, love Roach.

Stupid bard.

'best friends?'

Am not your friend bard, am your lover, your soulmate. Your reason for being, your -

He thinks my bottom is lovely! 

Best day ever. 

Sadly have some kind of mini stroke and lose all power of speech.

Make strangled cat noise instead.

Mustn't be a sexy noise as Bard doesn't try to touch my aforementioned 'lovely' bottom.

Starts waffling on about the party - is this a rouse?

Do I not actually have lovely bottom?

Feel v.v.v hurt on behalf of bottom.

It's doing its best.

Feel hurt on behalf of rest of me too.

'scary face?'

Ouch.

Self esteem lower now than worms belly.

19.54

Try to explain retirement plan.

Die horribly.

Cheaper isn't it?

20.25

Am going to party.

Don't want to.

Will see Jaskier flirt with other people and touch other people. 

He will probably go back to bed with another person or maybe other people.

V.v.v sad

Hate party.

'look mean'

Why is Jaskier grinding all shards of my self esteem into dirt?

20.27

'sour complexion'

Was there a note sent around while I was out?

Everyone insult Geralt - tell him he looks like shit.

Am already sad - why more?

Really sad now.

Want to go and tell Roach.

**_She likes me._ **

Even if no one else does.

20.51

Oh, shit, Jaskier is in trouble.

Bugger.

Some lord just ordered Jaskier to drop his trousers - should have walked a little slower...

Jaksier looks pretty panicked, suppose will have to step in. 

Will have to find a way to see him trouserless later.

Jaskier’s face when I tell the lord he is a eunuch was the best thing that has happened to me for ages.

He looks so mad - now he knows how I feel.

20.52

Jaskier is grumpy.

Kind of cute.

Like a little grumpy kitten.

All puffed up and grouchy. 

Want to pet him.

20.55

Queen Calanthe seems nice - appreciates beer.

I'm sure we will get on very well.

21:01

She has appointed me as truth teller - was enjoying night off.

Have gone right off her.

21.03

‘Shitless death’ sounded better in my head.

21.05

Think Calanthe wants me.. Sigh.

Can you refuse a Queen or is it treason?

21:07

I think she wants me to be a lady’s maid?

Will not be any good at that... Jaskier is better at that than me.

The Queen is trying to order me around - pointed out am not one of her subjects.

She looks super pissed.

Definitely wants me.

Do have a lovely bottom?

Ok, just threatened me with torture - she needs to work on her wooing technique. 

Lesser Geralt is trying to crawl back up inside my torso to hide.

This never happens to Jaskier.

He gets all the lovely, soft women. He is probably getting a nice dessert and a hand job.

I’m being threatened.

Typical.

22.10

Jaskier singing baudiest song he knows.

Queen Calanthe’s eyes are twitching.

Its quite funny.

22.12

She wants to discuss the sacking.

Bloody hell.

I mean.. Come on... that is a bit sensitive.

Now she is trying to tell me that we are the same - she is definitely trying to hit on me.

Not same though, she lives in a castle.  
  


Well... Suppose I live in a castle. But she gets waited on hand and foot.

Suppose Jaskier does help out a lot and when in town do mostly get meals made and brought to me.

Hmmmm.

Am I a Princess? A queen?

22.29

Calanthe wants me to kill some cursed guy?

Why isn’t his life shitty enough.

22.45

Now she wants me to stop fighting.

Talk about mixed messages..

22.50

She tried to set me up... seriously.. Not amused.

23:02 

Shit - magic screaming.

Have officially seen everything.

Need to get a badge or something.

23.25

Oh, a wedding!

I love a wedding!

Even for a hastily thrown together ceremony it looks so nice.

Mine will be nicer though - those flowers are too matchy-matchy with the curtains.

Someone should have noticed.

Not that I’m judging.

Also won’t be marrying man-hedgehog.

  
  


00.15

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

Will never try to be spontaneous again.

Queen looks like she is going to spontaneous combust with fury.

Good look to Eist on his wedding night.

He'll be lucky to make it out alive. And not in a sexy way.

00.19

Mousesack tried to persuade me to stay.

Clearly wants everyone to be as miserable as he is going to be.

Staying at court - boring and dangerous. That is just the worst kind of combination.

01.45

Am not running away.

Am striding away.

Big difference.


	4. Chapter 4

14.08

Fishing for a djinn.

Well, we all need hobbies don't we.

Not good at fishing. Even for inanimate objects.

Or would a djinn and it's container be animate. Hmmm... This is the kind of stuff they don't teach at Witcher school.

Along with how to do simple life skills like haggle.

Am seriously bad at it.

You'd think given how afraid the average human is they would drop their prices.

Alas, they seem as reluctant to as Jaskier seems to drop his trousers for me.

Why I have to look for the damn djinn.

Cannot sleep.

Cannot.

And if I manage am tortured my dreams.

Hot, sexy ones.

All damp, pink skin and - Fuck.

Now trousers too tight.

Seriously, must buy roomier ones. This keeps happening.

Am getting chaffed.

16.11

Jaskier?

Did I find the djinn without knowing?

Maybe?

Mutter very quietly for him to take his pants off.

Nothing.

Fuck.

Today is made of sadness.

Bloody trousers are chaffing again.

16.13

Jaskier is single again.

Yes.

Day much improved.

Clearly the fates favour me.

Literally happiest have ever been.

  
  


16.23

Jaskier is trying to be a mind healer.

It's not his specialty.

He wants to rub salve on a tumor.

I’d let him rub salve on something.

16.24

Just compared cock to tumor.

Feel a bit ill.

16.25

Take a jibe at his singing. Traumatised from comparing cock to tumor and feel like Jaskier should feel this too.

16.40

Found it!

16.41

Jaskier trying to steal  _ my  _ djinn.

16.42

SHIT.

Didn't mean for this.

Fuck supposed to just be a throw away comment.

Fuck, have killed friend.

Fuck.

One of only friends.

Shit.

16.45

Got Jaskier up on Roach.

For slim build weighs a fuck ton.

Seriously think his bones might be made of lead.

Poor Roach.

17.08

Longest ride ever. Seriously shitting pants that Jaskier will die.

Trying best to not show it.

Fuck.

Am biggest dick in world.

May never get to show Jaskier that have the biggest dick in the world.

Well, probably.

Never actually checked most other men's cocks.

I mean... The whore's liked it.

Probably won't mention that though.

17.11

Eleven healer.

Excellent.

He will be fine.

17.13

'oh, dear'

What does he mean by 'oh, dear'???

Seriously.

He's supposed to be say - no problem.

Best medical training, my arse.

Fuck.

17.15 

Die! 

Why the fuck would you say that?

Clearly this 'medical training' didn't include anything about bedside manner.

Fuck.

Finally allowed to pet Jaskier.

Only on the back but still.

It's a hollow victory.

17.18

Need to find a mage.

Bloody mages.

Allergic to them since Streborg.

17.22

Dragging Jaskier uphill to Mayor's house.

Grass needs cutting.

Vesmeir would have guts for garters if I let the grass outside the keep look like that.

Not that I'm judging.

17.24

Fee?

This isn't a circus?

There had better be a slide and a treat stall if I have to pay to get in.

  
  


17.25

Naked man opened the door.

Am now judging - really quite strenuously too.

Slightly traumatised too.

Not the kind of treat I want.

17.26

Naked man babbling about juice.

Really hope that isn't a euphemism of any kind.

So not in the mood.

Don't know if this guy has noticed but  _ my bard is dying  _

DYING!

Not even Jaskier seems to know if it's euphemism.

V.v.v confused.

Wish Roach was here.

17.27

Smokey hallway?

House on fire?

Ok, new plan.

Save Jaskier first then go and save mage.

Make mage save Jaskier.

Jaskier will be grateful and -

No, ok, on problem at a time.

17.28

House not on fire but if all these people aren't playing carefully then something will be burning for them...

Not that I'm judging.

Actually am judging - this seems a bit rapey actually. Are these people conscious? Do they know what they are doing?

Can they give informed consent?

Because that is important!

Must bring this up with the Mayor once I've saved Jaskier obviously.

17.35

Found the mage.

Not taking Jaskier anywhere near her.

He's too pretty she will definitely want to add him to her wierd sex party.

17.36

Gave her the apple juice.

Says she wants more - I knew she'd want my bard.

She can fuck off.

Get her own bard.

This is my bard.

Thought I'd have horns??

Rude. Someone didn't have their manners beaten into them by an angry old man with a stick.

Where is Vesemir when you need him?

17.37

She's snatchy too. Just grabbed the bag of djinn shards out of my hands. No 'excuse me' or 'may I.' Rude.

She might fancy me too... Could be interesting.

Not now, need to concentrate.

Witch figured out am a mutant. 

If roll eyes any harder they will fall out of skull. 

Almost slow clapped.

Wonder what gave it away? The white hair? The glowing eyes?

Nearly bite tongue in half trying to swallow sarcasm. Must be polite. 

She can save my bard.

17.51

Am going to have to sleep with witch to save bard?

Is this cheating?

Our marriage counselor is going to have field day. Of course must get married first - and have a marriage counselor.

Told her whatever the price will need to figure it out later after she has stopped flirting with me and cures.my.bard!

  
  


19.02

Jaskier is healing!!

Must not cry with relief.

Must not.

Eyes watering.

Stupid smokey house.

19.05

Witch just said I smelt.

Wait - she just implied that Roach smells.

Oh, bitch it is on.

  
  


19.34

Enjoying bath.

Might just stretch out and enjoy myself.

Jaskier is fine, can relax.

19.36

Witch just walked in... Am naked.

Little awkward.

Bit back shriek of surprise by only the narrowest margin.

  
  


19.40

Witch in bath with me....

Personal space? Much?

What the heck.

19.43

Yes! 

Witch says am 'blessed'

Wonder if I can get her to repeat it in front of Jaskier? While I look all innocent obviously.

Would need to explain why she had seen the 'blessing' obviously.

19.56

Remind witch that this is a business transaction.

I hope she gets out of my bath soon.

20.23

Nice and clean.

Will go and see Jaskier.

20.25

Sleeping like a baby angel.

Must not squee.

But so cute.

Rearrange his blankets.

Yennefer wanders in.. seriously, that woman needs a bell.

Still hadn't got dressed. Second time she has seen me naked.

I wonder if she will tell me I have a lovely bottom?

20.26

Clothes are super tight.

Would not be able to have a big dinner in these.

20.28

Yennefer joked about Jaskier dying.

Wonder if I can shove her out of the window.

  
  


20.34

She has painted the sigils of the Djinn around Jaskier.

What is she planning?

Planning for my bard?

Ready to drag him out of bed and take him home. Take him to a nice Inn.

Could tuck him into bed and feed him soup.

Stroke his hair.

Maybe could tell him a story or something? Not sure. 

Definitely soup. 

And hair stroking.

20.45

Witches perfume smells great.

Must ask where she got it.

20.46

Feel funny.

20.47

Fuck.

  
  


Later:?????

Oh, my head.

Ok, come on, Geralt, don't be sick.

Do not be sick.

Last time I was sick was after the welcome back party at Kaer Moren the first year after the sacking.

Everyone was so happy to see each other and so sad about all the missing members we got so drunk that I managed to persuade Eskel that he was invisible.

Was brilliant until he decided to take a piss on my shoes.

Still I got my own back when I threw up in his cloak hood.

He was furious because he didn't notice until it was too late.

His hair was chunky until we could get the water warm.

Ok am in prison. 

Fuck.

With an elf. 

Elf is being sarcastic with me... Brilliant. 

Later:???

Ok, so may have gone mad?

Really hope this is the Witch.

If I've gone mad will have to leave Jaskier.

Cannot put him in danger.

Am supposed to save him from danger.

Later???

Guard wants to 'play' with me.

What are they putting in the water here?

Is this a convention for people who don't understand consent?

Why are they all here at the same time?

Asking for trouble.

Should have more security too....

Badly organised. 

If Jaskier is hurt am going to complain.

Later:????

Thank the gods. The guard only wants to beat me up.

What a relief.

But also ow.

  
  


Later????

Am magic?

Burst a man.

It turns out I did not want that.

Have brain matter in my hair.

Thank god had mouth shut.

Gross.

New clothes from Yennefer ruined.

There must be something in the water here. The elf looked at the burst man and said 'you're the one with the wishes!'

Like this was some big discovery.

Had to bite tongue again to prevent self saying, 'noooo' in the most sarcastic way I could. 

Mostly because Vesemir always used to know when I had done that as a kid. He'd hit me round the back of the head.

Don't trust him to not spontaneously appear if I do it now.

  
  


Later:???

Found Jaskier!

+1 minute.

Ok so he's a bit mad at me but I'm sure nothing too bad.

+2 minutes

Day going from bad to worse.

Will have to go and stop witch from blending with a genie.

My working day is insane.

+3 minutes

Can't let Jaskier's saviour die.

Not on.

Might need her again.

Later: ????

Go to try and help witch.

Lots of yelling.

She tries to kill me.

Bit miffed about that to be honest.

Later:????

Yennefer and djinn fuse.

Very weird.

Bit scary.

Djinn demand my last wish.

Wish for Roach to live 'as she is now' until I pass or till her natural life span. Whichever is longer.

Am not a wishing amateur.

  
  


Later:????

Yennefer extremely ungrateful given that I saved her life.

  
  


Later:????

Ok, so she was a bit grateful.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last chapter until I get the new series...then I will continue and add Jaskier's side of things.  
> Any spelling mistakes are because Geralt's school's version of the three R's was horse riding, raiding and I don't know...obliteRating?  
> Consequently, he can't spell for shit. So please forgive any and all mistakes.

15:03

Fighting. In a cave.

V.vDark

15:34

Bring head out of cave.

15:44

Everyone looks super surprised to see me.

15:51

Vea saved Roach.

Awkward.

Do I have to marry her now?

What about Jaskier?

Both?

Hmmm.

15:59

Old guy says he's called 'Jackdaw'.

16:03

Regretting not picking a cooler name now.

16:09

Wonder if it's too late to call myself 'the crow'?

16:12

Jackdaw wants to buys us all drinks. He's a great guy. 

109% sure of it.

18:23

Jackdaw guy wants to butter me up…. Maybe he fancies me?

He just told Jaskier that my adventures are legend…feeling a bit homicidal now.

Warming up to Jackdaw guy. 

Fed me so I like him.

18:56

Ok, going off him again, he’s prattling on about dragons.

Jaskier just called Vea a ‘sexy goose.

He’s never called me a sexy goose. 

Ever. 

Very ‘feelings aware’ again. 

Not crying though.

It's more rage, going all homicidal again.

Glare at Vea, and the walls. Everything really.

18:58

So cheesed off.

I'm sexy too. 

Must resist urge to start throwing signs around.

Or take off clothes and demand to know what I resemble in terms of sexy creatures.

Vea doesn’t seem interested.thank all the gods, I didn’t want to have to kill her.

I mean she did save Roach… even if she is sniffing around my man.

sort of anyway.

Want to sniff Jaskier myself actually, get my nose pressed right up against his-

Ouch, trousers too tight.

19:07

Thinking about Vesemir naked to tame lesser Geralt.

Lesser Geralt refusing to go back to sleep.

Fuck.

Shouldn’t have even thought the word fuck. Lesser Geralt now making valient attempt to escape trousers.

Picturing Vesemir shagging a troll.

19:13

Was more funny than horrific and ended up snorting a mouthful of beer out of my nose.

Everyone is looking at me. 

Fuck.

19:24

Borch wants me to join his team.

I zoned out for too long and don’t know what I might be agreeing too.

Act natural.

Oh. My. Gods…he wants to kill a dragon?

I mean…why?

FFS, how do I always end up with the crazy ones.

Jaskier is encouraging the crazy old loon. Need to keep him on a shorter leash.

Made a mistake thinking about Jaskier on a leash, maybe even in a pretty collar, and I zoned out for a few precious moments came back to myself with my trousers having mysteriously shrunk and the crazy old man telling me he will show me what I’m missing.

Dick immediately assumed good news.

it's unfortunate that the most optimistic part of me is my cock. 

Wonder what it says about me?

20:22

Yennefer arrived and Jaskeir got jealous…of me! 

Best moment of my life. 

Not even dressing up as a ladle and hiding under Eskel’s bed last winter to grab him by the ankles in the middle of the night compares to how good I feel right now. And honestly, Eskel’s screams for Vesemir to save him from the ladle monster were so funny I laughed until I was in serious danger of stress induced incontinence.

Pretty sure Lambert actually did wet himself.

Vesemir came running in like the mother hen he really is, all puffed up to defend his babies.

Thought he was going to throw me off the battlements.

He did admit later that it was a good costume.

Anyway, will go on the hunt with Yennefer and tease Jaskier until he snaps.

This is a good plan.

It can’t fail.

Am an actual genius.

05:45

It’s super early.

Have a stone in my shoe.

Feel a bit homicidal again.

Jaskier is wearing his tightest trousers, so also feeling a little...confused.

Too many people around to talk to Roach.

Am literally made of confusion.

15:59

Jaskier has found a hirikka.

He looks so cute when he is startled.

Jaskier, not the hirikka.

Don’t want diary to be found after head is chewed off by a griffin, or something, and have it assumed that I am some kind of pervert.

Well…not for lack of trying actually. 

Would love to be a pervert. Jaskier sadly immune to my variation of perversion.

Jaskier is looking so cute though… want to lick him.

16:07

Fuck.. they killed the Hirikka…those are pretty rare now. Fucking idiots.

17:56

At least the idiot is now shitting his brains out after eating the poor hirikka.

Bad news, overly effective sense of smell means I may as well be holding the fool's hand while he deals with his digestive distress.

Want to sniff Jaskier’s hair instead.

Or really any part of him.

Teaching Jaskier about dragons.

He’s so cute when he is being scholarly. Must not squeal, even if it is so cute that I could cry.

Borsch thinks there are gold dragons... he is a mad old loon. There haven’t been gold dragons for as long as there has been a hole in my arse and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

Suppose...it could be a mutation I guess.

I mean..I shouldn't exist either, and yet. Here I am. 

Morning: super early, too tired to tell

Eyck has had throat cut.

Feel a bit squeamish actually.

Too early for this.

05:57

Snuck off to hug Roach. Feel a bit better.

06:12

Using a secret passage...sadly not Jaskier's but an actual dwarven one.

Just read back over my own diary. Feel a bit sick. Will have to eat own diary to make sure no one ever assumes I shagged a dwarf.

Not that am speciest.

Just those guys really, really, _really_ , smell.

It's eye watering.

06:31

Went to ask Yenn if she wants to come.

Heh, 'come'.

09:41

Yenn wants to kill a dragon to have a baby.

Still not 100% certain about all the how's and the why's. Thankfully don't have to be. Neither Jaskier not I can have a baby. 

Do my best to try and concieve one anyway if he gives me half a chance.

If we had a baby it would be so cute.

I was cute before the mutations.

Had curly hair.

Imagining our baby with Jaskier's eyes and my curls. Bit sad now that there won't be a baby.

Still...child surprise?

No, better not. It's a tough life. Have another stone in my shoe and feel all murdery again.

Jaskier isn't very good with puke either. He's great with monster guts though.

I mean if it was a professional sport Jaskier would win every time when it comes to getting viscera out of hair. He's terrific at it.

I should probably get him a card with that on for Yule?

10:16

Secret passage is a horrific death defying plank walk or total terror.

Glad I didn't eat any of hikira, barely managing to not shit pants as it is.

Not that I am afraid of heights.

Just super heights aware right now.

12:32

Borsch and his friends just fell.

They didn't even let us try and save them.

Seriously... I mean, on all levels what is going on.

And at the very least if I could have saved them I would have looked all cool and sexy in front of Jaskier.

Borsch should have helped a brother out.

Typically of old timers, it's all me, me, me until they throw themselves off a mountain.

19:43

Yennefer is giving me the bedroom eyes.

Or the tent eyes, I guess. Given we are in fact camping.

Good idea or bad idea? Will Jaskier become more jealous? And then we can have make up sex?

Maybe he will be all grumpy? Perhaps I can go tell him, have been a naughty boy?

Perhaps....

Yes, this must be a good idea.

06:23

Bloody dwarves have vanished.

Yennefer is storming off after them.

06:27

Trying to wriggle into underpants and get shoes on and find Jaskier.

Jaskier smells furious...don't think the naughty boy routine is going to work.

Perhaps will leave him here...in case it's dangerous up ahead.

Not that am afraid of him.

But he knows all my weaknesses.

Including doing these sad eyes that kill me.

Like dead.

Can't do it.

Even imagining them makes me feel suicidal.

My underpants are back to front.

Vesemir sewed labels in so we would all know who's are whos and the label is chaffing.

Limping, hungry and Jaskier is cross. Camping is rubbish.

V.v.v.v sad today.

07:21

Dragon egg!! Wonder if we can keep it? Maybe Eskel will hatch it with me and we can keep it as a pet?

07:22

Stanley is a good dragon name.

07:23

Probably.

Neither Eskel nor I are good at naming things. Hence our horses are named after a fish and an...insect? Are scorpions insects?

07:25

Singing the 'head, thorax, abdomen' song to see if it fits scorpions. 

07:26

Realised don't really know what scorpions look like.

08:37

Borsch is alive, but also a dragon?

Ok, today is officially too wierd.

I'm out.

08:51

Sadly, before got away was embroiled in a fight.

Typical.

Supposed to be on sex holiday with Jaskier.

Instead in chafy underpants in a fight.

10:45

Nearly got murdered.

10:46

Butt clenched so tight it's for the best that Jaskier is mad. He'd never be able to get in there now.

Will need about a month to relax enough to even fart.

11:08

More fighting.

13:17

Jaskier is here...dammit, just in time for the dangerous part.

13:48

Things are getting really stressful.

13:59

Feeling homicidal again.

14:10

The talking dragon is giving away secrets. Hope he doesn't mention the whole crush I have.

Fuck.

14:12

Thank gods that the dragon is an idiot who can't read a room.

14:13

Thinks have the hots for Yenn.

Which...yeah? But all the love is for Jaskier.

Who is still really cross.

14:32

Life made entirely out of sadness today.

15:01

Yennefer and the dragon and blaming me for everything.

Not cool.

Feel v.v.v hurt.

On top of chaffed cock and stony shoes, and nearly dying and Jaskier in danger, seriously annoyed right now.

15:29

Yen's gone.

16:17

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Am huge dick.

Fuck.

16:42

Am going to need to find Jaskier and apologize. How many flowers do you need to say sorry for my mountain top temper tantrum?

Will ask Roach.

  
  
  



End file.
